Think Like a (Blonde) Lawyer ...

Sex in the City 2, camel riding fashion, & why every woman needs a gay friend

Earlier this week I went to opening night of Sex in the City 2 with several girlfriends; we hadn't seen each other as a group since the first SITC.  I'm seeing it again later this week with my female neighbors.  Not because the movie is that great (well, the fashion is!) but because it celebrates an aspect life that so many of us neglect when life gets busy -- our friends.

 

Actually, I've been known to neglect my friends even when life is NOT busy. 

 

OK, I basically pretty much ignore my friends all the time, until the guilt monster starts clawing at my back and forces me to start returning calls/emails. 

 

I used to blame this on being a lawyer.

 

Now I must admit it's just due to laziness, or sometimes just preferring the comfort of my own cave over venturing out to join the clan.  Or perhaps I'm living too much in the virtual world?  I do love connecting with my Facebook friends, but let's face it, I've never even met many of you and others are from such distant times and/or places in my life that we might as well be living on different planets for all we know about each others' lives.

 

But then again, I've been absolutely floored by some of the virtual connections I've made  -- especially the one I married.  Sometimes people just click online (no pun intended), and sometimes we get to reconnect with people from our distant pasts.  For example, I recently reconnected with a childhood friend who was the first to support me in fifth grade by joining my 3-member Laura Hating Club (which was rather pathetically formed in response to the hugely popular Katie Hating Club; they must have known I was destined to become a lawyer even then).  My online network includes high school friends I wouldn't have recognized on the street but suddenly now chat with frequently, college roommates living all over the world, prior work friends, acquaintances from the dog park, distant cousins, neighbors, and many friends of friends of friends and others I have not met at all but would like to.

 

I guess that's the beauty of social media and blogging: we just put ourselves and our stuff out there, and people who are attracted to what we have to say become our friends. 

 

Or not. 

 

My husband often teases me that I now have more virtual friends than real ones.   Yet I am nowhere even close to the 5,000 FB friend limit; how is it that so many people so quickly max out on "friends" in the virtual world?  Are all of these media socialites just exceptional marketers?  Or could it be because in many cases online conversations are simply more intimate than in real life?  I know that before the internet I could count on one hand the number of people who even knew about my MS; now it's in the public domain for anyone who cares to know.  And I'm still not sure how to reconcile all this internet exhibitionism with the very private person who once threw her diary away just because her then husband had read a few pages.

 

But back to the movie: in SITC 2, the girls visit Abu Dhabi at the invitation of a sheik.  Needless to say, the glamour is over the top fabulous and a very far cry from my own desert experience many years ago of being stranded in the Western Sahara for six weeks hallucinating about showers and clean sheets.  And even though I've ridden camels in Egypt and Australia, I've never done so in quite the style of the SITC girls: 

 

 

Which brings me to another point: not only do I need to nurture my girlfriend relationships, but I really, really, really need a BGF (best gay friend).  Just look at Miranda's sexy transformation when she attended the gay wedding of Carrie's BGF to Charlotte's BGF:

 

 

You can't see it too well in this shot, but Miranda's dress is open down to her navel.  She's the conservative lawyer in the SITC series, remember?  I just love how she has been transformed into a vixen for this movie and how she is finally able to stand up the abusive male partners in her firm.  (Of course we all know such characters are purely fictional, right?)

 

In any event, go see this movie with your best girlfriends.  Or with women you hardly know but want to become friends with.  Or if you are male, go see it alone and see how quickly you will make friends with the 100:1 ratio of women to men at the show. 

 

And if you have no interest in seeing this movie, that's okay too.  But this Memorial Day weekend,  let's all spend a little less time on Facebook, and give our real friends a little more Facetime.

 

We're off to a BBQ now in real time with some real life friends ...

* * * * *

What are your thoughts about social media networking?  Have you been able to use FB to stay connected with your real friends, or it a distraction that takes away from your real life relationships?  How do you feel about sharing details of your life online when there's a very good chance complete strangers will be reading these?  Have you made fantastic friendships online you would have never otherwise had the chance to make?

Fleas, poop & the smallest sparrow (my quest to stop being such a control freak)

Our cat, Boris, brought me a present yesterday afternoon -- the tiny fledgling sparrow pictured above.  Of course it was Sunday (all animal disasters happen when the vet's office is closed), and I couldn't find a nest anywhere nearby to return it to.  Thankfully the little guy appeared unharmed though, so I bought some baby bird formula and did my best to nurse him (her?) overnight.  We somehow made it through the night, but the bird really didn't look too cute with all the goo stuck to its head from my amateur feeding attempts.

Last week Boris brought home fleas.  (Remember how much I hate bugs?)  Of course he was generous enough to share these with Natasha, our dog.  Our other kitty, Blaze, did her part by not only becoming flea infested but also suddenly deciding she would no longer poop in the litter box.  So, after spending hundreds of dollars on flea sprays, carpet cleaners, new bedding, a pet psychologist and vet bills last week, I was truly not in the mood to deal with another animal situation today.

No one wanted my little bird.

The vet refused to see her, and our local wildlife rescue center also rejected her for being too common a bird.  

Whatever happened to that biblical belief that there is value in even the smallest sparrow?

Finally one of the women at the center kindly imagined she saw small tufts of feathers on the sides of my little bird's head (beneath all the bird formula goo plastering its feathers down in a slicked back 'do) that might possibly indicate it was a finch after all (and thus endangered).  Her co-worker reluctantly agreed to take her after tossing me a pamphlet about what a bad cat parent I am for letting my kitty outside.  (Don't worry; he's on house arrest now.)

So what does any of this have to do with this blog?  You may have noticed that I've taken some time off from blogging after my last post concerning some of my fears about possibly being under surveillance for receiving disability benefits.  However, after a full week of dealing with fleas, cat poop, and unpredictable animal rescues, I'm tired of being afraid and am finally starting to realize that I simply do not have control over everything.

Or anything, for that matter.

Maybe I am being watched.  Perhaps I'll never be able to work as a lawyer again; I might end up in a wheelchair despite all my years of denial.  I might lose everything tomorrow. Or I might win the lottery and retire on my own tropical island.

Or I might not. 

I just don't know. 

And I want to be okay with not knowing; I want to stop being such a control freak. 

According to American Buddhist author and nun, Pema Chödrön, when things fall apart in our lives we tend to spend all of our time and energy trying to create some ground to stand on, even though life is essentially a groundless situation; there simply is no such thing as permanence or security.  She describes a state called Skandha mara which is how humans react when the rug is pulled out from under us:

We feel that we have lost everything that's good.  We've been thrown out of the nest.  We sail through space without a clue as to what's going to happen next.  We're in no-man's-land: we had it all together, working nicely, when suddenly the atomic bomb dropped and shattered our world into a million pieces. ...

Then we re-create ourselves.  We return to the solid ground of our self-concept as quickly as possible. ... [W]e've been given this great opportunity.  However, we don't trust our basic wisdom mind enough to let it stay like that.  Our habitual reaction is to want to get ourselves back -- even our anger, resentment, fear, or bewilderment.  So we re-create our solid, immovable personality as if we were Michelangelo chiseling ourselves out of marble.

Instead of a tragedy or melodrama, this mara is more like a situation comedy.  Just as we are on the verge of really understanding something, allowing our heart to truly open, just as we have the opportunity to see clearly, we put on a Groucho Marx mask with fluffy eyebrows and a big nose.  Then we refuse to laugh or let go, because we might discover -- who knows what?

So I've learned this week that a few fleas in the house or stains on the carpet are truly not the end of the world; there is even a humorous element when I learn to laugh at myself.  And I think about that poor little sparrow being whisked away from its mother's care by a giant black cat, and cannot help but wonder how I would hold up under that amount of stress.  Probably nowhere near as gracefully as that little bird.

So I hope my "endangered" sparrow is being well taken care of at the rescue center.  And by the way, here's that biblical quote about sparrows:

Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? And one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. The very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.

(St Matthew, 10. 29.)

* * * * *

After suffering a loss in your life, have you ever found yourself frantically trying to recreate exactly what you just lost?  Do you see loss as an opportunity for growth?  And how do you feel about the little sparrow?  Should it be afraid?  Should we??

Disabled, Not Dead

I've been silent on this blog for an entire week.  

 

Not because of an MS exacerbation (although that was a factor), or due to laziness (well, maybe some of that too), or because I've been too busy having more fun (perhaps just a little), but because I'm afraid.

 

I'm afraid I am being watched.

 

There is reason for my paranoia; I am currently receiving disability benefits under a long term disability policy from my former employer because various MS symptoms have made it impossible for me to consistently perform the essential job duties of a litigation attorney. 

 

Believe me, I do not like living on disability benefits and am horribly embarrassed to even admit this.  I would not be blogging about it at all were it not suddenly so apparent that my situation is hardly unique to me.  Millions of people with disabilities live in constant fear that what is left of their income could be yanked away at any time by someone they have never even met.

 

Why would this happen, you ask?  It shouldn't.  Especially in cases like mine, where I have a real diagnosis of long standing, supported by objective medical records spanning many years (i.e., MS is not a "stress disorder" or made up syndrome du jour I decided to come down with yesterday).  In addition, I did not start this entire process by claiming total disability, but merely the inability to work the grueling billable hours required in my own previous occupation. 

 

However, my LTD insurer recently insisted that I file an application for disability benefits with Social Security (SSDI) where the standard is inability to work in any occupation.  They even generously hired a surveillance company to "help" me with the application.  If successful, any benefits I receive from SSDI will be offset against what the LTD insurer has to pay me; can anyone else see the inherent conflict of interest here? 

 

In the meantime, the company they hired has full access to my medical and employment files, and will be combing these for any evidence that I am not really disabled (after they have won the SSDI benefits that is, so they can then terminate my LTD benefits and be paid their cut).  I am now officially (or soon will be) a surveillance target -- both in person, and online.  It is a very, very nasty business.

 

Suddenly, I am being forced to become a very boring and invisible person.

 

So, my online friends, most of my Facebook travel photos have now disappeared, as have all my interests and hobbies.  I even considered taking down this blog, as it could easily be misinterpreted by an insurance adjuster.

 

For example, my last post entitled This Dog Needs a Job! was an attempt to describe how restless and purposeless I've been feeling since losing my job last year.  It was not intended to be any type of admission that I could easily jump right back into my previous occupation or that MS does not substantially impair my ability to work. 

 

I can almost hear an adjuster arguing: Hey, she can still sit at a computer and write; she can still work!  Yet writing a blog post from home takes very little time.  Or sometimes it takes forever, depending on how my cognitive abilities and focus are that day.  In fact, no one knows how many rest breaks I take (MANY), how long it takes me to proofread (when I bother at all), or what days I skip blogging entirely due to MS related visual problems.  Unlike in a law firm, there are no efficiency ratings, no billable hours, no schedule at all.  Heck, there's not even a dress code.  So the three hours or more it used to take me just to get ready for work (showers and hairdryers are big problems for MS'ers) are now a thing of the past.  Honestly, when I think back on how exhausted I used to be by Tuesday each week, I'm amazed I lasted as long in my job as a lawyer as I did.

 

The problem for me now is that I've always been taught not to complain; stoicism runs in the family.  And for many, many years, this is how I've dealt with MS -- by denying its symptoms and simply soldiering on.

 

But now the insurers need me to complain more; they require me to become a victim. 

 

And you know how much I dislike whiners.

 

I'm not going to subject you to a long list of all my physical limitations and grievances either, as that is not the purpose of this blog. 

 

But hey, you surveillance people -- if you are reading this, please just know that I do understand you have a job to do, and hold absolutely no personal animosity towards you.

 

I also understand how this game is played. 

 

If you're planning to use my audition for The Apprentice against me, feel free to put my husband on the stand and ask him how we got through that day.  Ask him how much work he had to do just so that I would have enough energy to make it to the front of the line for my 10-minute audition.  And ask him how exhausted I was afterward.

 

If you intend to follow me on my dog walks, feel free.  I know you will not pull out the camera when I stop for rests anyway.  Go ahead and show the photos to my neurologist, and let her explain that MS is a progressive, degenerative disorder where moderate exercise is recommended.

 

I may be disabled, but I'm not dead. 

 

And I'm not going to stop living my life, even if that includes doing a few "risky" activities such as blogging a few times per week, walking my dog, or even going on vacation once in awhile.

*   *   *   *   *

Have you ever been in a situation where you feared your privacy rights were being violated?  How secure do you feel participating in social media?  Have you ever  been the subject of investigation for litigation or insurance purposes?  Did you know about it at the time, or were you "stung" afterward with photos or videos? 

This Dog Needs A Job!

They say dogs take on the personalities of their owners.  I'm not so sure; perhaps we choose dogs that are already like us?

 

I grew up with golden retrievers -- really pretty blondes and redheads who are terribly sweet but kind of goofy.  (Although I loved them all, my parents chose those dogs.)

 

As an adult, I've always had highly energetic working dogs: first a border collie, and now a miniature Australian shepherd.  These dogs that are terrifically smart. 

 

But neurotic. 

 

And willful.

 

And nippy. 

 

And they become destructive when they don't have a job to do.

 

I can relate.

 

It's now been nine months since my layoff. 

 

And while I do enjoy having the extra time, becoming a real OC housewife is a lot harder than it looks. 

 

First, I'm not spending nearly enough money at the spas or enough time (or any time at all, for that matter) at the gym.  I'm not having an affair with the pool guy. (We don't have a pool; should I get one?)  I don't even have nannies to supervise.  (Do pet sitters count?)  And who really cooks, these days?

 

Not that I'd go back to billable hours; I don't have the stamina for that even if someone would hire me. 

 

But like my dog, I do crave having a sense of purpose.   But what exactly does that mean, anyway?

 

I've been studying "life purpose" materials for more years than I'd like to admit; at one point I even felt I was an expert of sorts and offered seminars on the topic.  The message was simple, and I know you've heard it many times before:  if you want to feel happy and fulfilled, follow your passions and use your talents in a way that serves others.

 

Simple, right?

 

Sometimes it is.  But right now I'm still feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me; I haven't figured why I invested all that time, energy and money to become a lawyer when I'm now just sitting at home living on disability benefits (plus support from Husband, of course) and writing the occasional blog post.

 

I never thought MS would play any role in my life, much less dominate (destroy?) my professional life.

 

So ... I now need to ask myself, has my entire concept of life purpose been too closely tied to my earning potential?   Is my ego really so completely wrapped up in labels?  Am I really that shallow?

 

I don't have the answers yet, but did find a few quotes I find inspiring:

 

The purpose of life is happiness.

-  The Dalai Lama

 

Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.

- Ayn Rand

 

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?

-  Charles M. Schulz

 

It is the quality of our work which will please God and not the quantity.

-  Mahatma Gandhi

 

And my personal favorite, an excerpt from Max Ehrmann's famous poem Desiderata:

 

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

By the way, Mr. Ehrmann was a lawyer too, as was Gandhi.  Funny how no one remembers either for that though. 

Perhaps there is hope for me yet?

*   *   *   *   *

How much do you equate your career success with fulfillment of your life purpose?  Do see your work purpose and spiritual purpose as intimately intertwined, or are these completely separate realms?  Have you ever felt a loss of identity through the loss of a particular role or relationship in your life?  How did you grow from that situation?

 

Captain Sunshine, Make Me Drink Wine, Make Me Feel Fine ...

 

Unless you're a big Neil Diamond fan, you probably do not recognize the lyrics in today's blog post title.  I actually ran across them by accident today when searching for a picture that would adequately illustrate my profound love of sunshine and wine.

 

It turns out I didn't need to find a picture, though, as my baby sister has already taken care of this by transforming me into a cartoon caricature. 

 

Not that I mind. 

 

My sister is an actual artist (i.e., one who gets paid to create stuff) and a far more experienced blogger than I.  But now that she's gaining recognition as a cartoonist, I'm starting to fear I'm in danger of becoming a parody of myself.

 

I have to admit my sister's drawing is a pretty accurate depiction; I do tend to sit in the sunshine drinking wine when offering unsolicited tidbits of wisdom on the phone to my loved ones.  And if you read my sister's latest comic, one interpretation for this behavior might be that people drink because they are repressing their creativity.

 

But another might simply be because sitting in the sun eating good food and drinking good wine brings a great deal of joy.

 

At least, for me.

 

And in my experience, anything that creates joy (provided it doesn't harm anyone) also creates health. 

 

The research supports me on this.

 

If you've been reading this blog for any period of time, you know by now that I've been living with multiple sclerosis for more than 20 years.  You also know that before I became an attorney, I practiced as a naturopathic doctor and medical herbalist for several years in Australia.  If there is an herb or supplement that has been found helpful in treating MS, believe me, I know about it.

 

The funny thing now is that the distinction between alternative and traditional medicine has become increasingly blurred; mainstream neurologists and medical researchers now agree that Vitamin D levels are extremely important in managing not only MS symptoms, but in preventing a host other diseases including depression, heart disease, diabetes, and a variety of other autoimmune disorders.   Although it is undisputed that many diseases are either caused by or result in vitamin D deficiency, much debate still surrounds supplementation recommendations. 

 

We have been taught to stay out of the sun, always wear sunscreen, and our natural tendency is to just pop another pill or three to address any vitamin deficiencies.  Yet at least according to one researcher, ingested vitamin D can actually block the body's ability to manufacture the hormone, the opposite effect to that of sunshine.

 

"Sunlight is more powerful than any drug; it is safe, effective, and available free of charge. If it could be patented, it would be hyped as the greatest medical breakthrough in history. It's that good."

    ~ Mike Adams, natural health researcher and author.

 

Sounds reasonable to me.  But what about the wine, you ask?  Well first of all, if you are the least bit inclined to believe in energy medicine, you must realize that grapes used in high quality wines are simply highly efficient storage devices for condensed solar energy; I view drinking wine as the perfect complement to sitting in the sun -- a Vitamin D booster, if you will. 

 

No, there is no actual Vitamin D in wine itself, but people who drink good wine also generally tend to eat better diets.  Fish and spinach (both good Vitamin D sources) are two of my favorite and frequent choices to have with chardonnay.

 

You've likely heard of the French paradox and cardioprotective effects of regular red wine consumption, but did you know the antioxidant (anti-ageing properties, Ladies!) of white wine may be superior to those of red? 

 

Moreover, according to a new study recently released by the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, moderate wine drinkers are actually, on average, much healthier and happier than both heavy drinkers and surprisingly, non-drinkers, as well.

 

Well, that's my excuse anyway.   All I know is that some of our very best vacations have been to wine country, like in these pictures from Mendoza, Argentina in 2006:

 

 

I'd love to write more, but I need to go walk the dog and get a little sunshine before happy hour ...

 

*   *   *   *   *

Do you have any habits or indulgences in your own life that you believe contribute to your own health and happiness, regardless of what the "experts" may tell you?  Do you search out reinforcing research such as "coffee prevents dementia" or "chocolate boosts endorphins" to support your habits?  What about Vitamin D?  Are you a religious sunscreen user, or do you believe moderate sun exposure has some health benefits?

What do Tattoos, Deep Fried Oreos, and Organic Salads Have in Common?

   

I'm not sure what I find more appalling, the idea of deep fried Oreos, or that apostrophe in the three signs pictured above.

 

Friday Quiz:  Quick, how many grammatical, punctuation and/or usage mistakes can you find in the following paragraph?

 

So, like, he snuck up and, like, yelled at her to lay down and, like, it literally effected, like, there relationship alot.  You know they should of, like, ended it than because if it was myself I would of, like, told him that him and me were so finished because how can too people like ourselfs, like, insure this will never happen again?  I don't mean to sound judgemental, but its not like I disserve this because I'm not the one literally running around getting more tattoo's "every" weekend ...

 

Okay, okay, I realize this example is over the top, but I have seen every one of these mistakes in places where you would expect better (various consultant websites, blogs targeting business customers, emails from alleged professionals, etc.). 

 

Is it just because I went to law school, or is my intolerance of such mistakes just a sign of my age?  (Even in law school I was stunned by my younger peers' use of the word "like" in every sentence of their responses in class.  Maybe I missed that part of the Socratic method?)

 

True, language does evolve (or deteriorate?) over time.  Take Mom's frequent admonishment to us as kids, "there is no such word as snuck."  Now there is; many dictionaries no longer even state that sneaked is the preferred form.

 

Nevertheless, I simply refuse to order my dog to "lay down" regardless of what the trainer says.

 

But lately I've been questioning my tendency to judge.  Sure, finding mistakes in the speech or writing of others can make me feel smug about perhaps being better educated and (dare I even say) somewhat intellectually superior to others.  (Don't lawyers deserve to feel this way for having endured law school?  No?  What about the six figures most of us are still paying off for the experience?  This has to be worth something ...)

 

But after the temporary ego boost from finding such flaws is over, do these criticisms of others actually boost my own happiness?  

 

Would it really matter if someday we simply got rid of the distinction between its and it's? 

 
 

(I still cringe at the thought, but I'm working on it.)

 

*    *    *    *    *

Do you notice others' mistakes in writing or speaking?  Does it make you think less of them as people?  Would you hesitate to hire someone who has such mistakes on their website?  Do you have any pet peeves?  And how many errors did you find in the quiz?

Cats, Dogs & Lawyers

As you can see, I usually have plenty of company in my favorite reading chair.  All of our animals are extremely high maintenance (they are Orange County pets, after all) and very competitive for affection.  Sure, it gets a little crowded sometimes, but it sure beats those associate days of working endless hours glued to the PC without civilized contact from anyone.  (Shouting abuse at opposing counsel or taking abuse from partners in my own firm doesn't count.)

The cat on the back of this chair is Boris.  He's  a tuxedo patterned ragdoll and has a typical cat temperament --  he's clean and fastidious, loves to hunt but gets scared if he's too far from home, and hates dogs.

 

His nemesis, Natasha, is the mini-Australian shepherd next to me.  She is hyper, high energy, high barking, and highly neurotic with the mantra "go-somewhere-do-something-go-somewhere-do-something" running through her mind at all times.  She loves cat herding, and mistrusts men and children (is that redundant?).

 

You have already met Blaze, the pretty ragdoll cat in the middle.  She is a therapy cat because she absolutely loves everyone; she is definitely the peacekeeper in our house.

 

If my pets had law degrees (don't laugh; the cats did spend all summer sequestered in my study with me the summer of my bar exam), then Boris would be a defense lawyer, Tasha would be on the plaintiffs' side, and Blaze would be a mediator.

 

You have probably noticed how dogs and cats react to others of their species upon meeting.  Cats are predictably mean and awful to absolutely every other new cat they meet (hence, the term "catty").  Dogs, on the other hand, sometimes go absolutely ballistic at the sight of another dog for no visible reason.  And yet they can just as easily pass a dog who is barking sadistically at them without even looking up.  They seem to have some sort of invisible code going on that I've been completely unable to decipher.

 

So I've been thinking about my former relationships with other attorneys and trying to figure out why I got along so well with some of them (the good dogs?) while with others our hackles were raised from our very first meeting (other cats?).

 

Do humans also have an invisible "code" telling us from our very first meeting who we will get along with and which relationships will form our challenges?

 

I believe we do.

 

It's just that most of us are not accustomed to really listening to our own intuitive wisdom -- that instinct animals tap into so easily that tells them not only whom they will like and whom to avoid, but also whether an earthquake is coming. 

 

Doesn't it sometimes seem like an evolutionary oversight that animals have an ability most humans do not?

 

Or maybe we do have this skill, but have merely forgotten how to use it.  Perhaps we have more than enough intuition, but unlike animals, we have learned not to trust it.  It's just a guess, but perhaps this is because unlike animals, humans have the capacity to lie and cover up their true natures, at least temporarily. 

 

I'd like to think that as we evolve and regain our intuitive skills, lying will become far more difficult if not impossible.

 

Wouldn't that change everything? 

 

The words, "Trust Me, I'm a Lawyer" would actually mean something, other than just a punchline.  But it wouldn't even need to be said at all ... because everyone would just know whom to trust. 

 

And whom not to.

 

For now, though, I think I will follow Blaze's example and just trust everyone until they give me reason not to.  (That reason, of course, might be delivered in an instant.)

 

 *   *   *   *   *

 

What do you think?  Do you rely on your intuitive skills when meeting new people?  Do you think peoples' sense of intuition is generally evolving?  What would it mean to you if people could no longer get away with telling lies of any kind?
 

Negotiating Reality (Lawyers as Deal Killers)

  
Today was closet cleaning day.  I didn't find too many interesting skeletons, but did run across an old file that reminds me of just how much most lawyers are trained to be deal breakers rather than deal makers.  Not only do we tend to have rather combative and unpleasant personalities, but we are trained to be professional pessimists always looking for the worst case scenario and drafting all agreements accordingly.

 

This may or may not surprise you, but The Apprentice is not the first reality show I have ever auditioned for.  During law school I was actually selected to appear on a Fox reality show pilot that aired for several months in select markets nationwide.  The nature of the show is not important, except for the fact that it was definitely reality based and involved real people from my personal life whom I had not seen for many years. 

 

The file I discovered in my closet today contains my revisions to the release the production company wanted me to sign as condition of doing the show. 

 

It was a long list of revisions.

 

A pain-in-the-ass-why-should-we-deal-with-this-woman length list.

 

The kind an entertainment lawyer might draft if negotiating on behalf of a major celebrity.

 

I was not even a minor celebrity.

 

Nor was I even a lawyer, as I had yet to finish my first year of law school. 

 

Nevertheless, I included impressive legalese clauses in my revisions such as:

 

"I do not waive my right to pursue a civil claim in the event of defamation.  Specifically, I do not authorize publication of any details ... regarding my sexual history ... or my family ..."

 

[I bet you're just dying for me to publish these details now ... No?  I guess I'm still not a minor celebrity ...]

 

"[You] acknowledge that I am a private individual for litigation purposes."

 

[This makes a big difference regarding what can legally be publicized about a person; the downside of fame is that it changes the burden of proof for pursuing defamation claims.  I'm almost hoping someone will write something terribly nasty about me right now before I become too famous.]

 

"While I understand you are not strictly liable for personal injury claims, I do not waive my right to file a claim for any physical or emotional injury that is directly or proximately cause by the negligent or recklessness of [You] ..."

 

[What sane person waives claims for negligence or reckless misconduct, I ask you?  Apart from married people in no-fault divorce states, I mean ...]

 

Anyway, you get the idea.   I further refused consent to mandatory arbitration, refused to pay any of their legal costs should litigation become necessary, and demanded adequate compensation for the use of my name, likeness, photographs, and/or voice for any commercial purpose.

 

Miraculously, they hired me anyway.  [They must have been desperate for the story!] 

 

As you can guess, the pilot fizzled after a few months and I fortunately never had to view the show again. [I seriously considered pursuing a defamation/negligent misrepresentation claim based purely upon the very poor lighting and makeup they used ...] 

 

In any event, the reason I bring this up is because I think I may have blown it with the producers of The Apprentice by requesting reasonable accommodations even at their casting call, and redlining various parts of their overly broad release.

 

I'll never know.

 

But I wouldn't be surprised if that deal was broken before it ever had a chance to be made simply because I scared them off by acting too much like a lawyer.  Making deals of any sort generally requires creativity and optimism, not just following rules and skepticism. 

 

So perhaps my new "release" for negotiating with reality should be just that:

 

I release all pain and fear; I release all negativity and pessimism; I release all thoughts and feelings that hurt myself or others; I release my need to control every situation; I release my need to always be right ...

 

I'm sure you can think of more.

On Being Thin-Skinned

It may surprise you to learn that lawyers are, as a whole, some of the thinnest-skinned people on earth.   Everyone jokes that attorneys are egomaniacs who always need to be right, but these personality traits have actually been confirmed in large scale studies.

 

In fact, when compared to the general population (using a widely used HR personality test called the Caliper Profile), attorneys rank well above just everyone else when it comes to their "ego drive" -- that is, our need to be right as well as our need to persuade you of our rightness.  According to the same report, lawyers also score extremely high on the "Skepticism" (90th percentile vs. 50th); "Urgency" (71 vs. 50), and "Autonomy" (89 vs. 50) traits when compared with the general population.

 

We are impatient egomaniacs who will not listen to or be persuaded by you.

 

In addition, attorneys scored extremely low on "Sociability" (less than 13% vs. 50) and "Resilience" (30% or less vs. 50). 

 

We have no friends and when you call us names we cry.

 

A lot.

 

In my case, I am also quite literally thin skinned as illustrated by my mishap many years ago with extrusion of a breast implant during my first semester law school exams.  (I would have included a picture, but then my ratings for this blog would have to change; besides, it was pretty gross. If you really must see what this looks like, try a Google search.) 

 

No wonder my first semester grades were far from stellar; I was still thinking like a Blonde (everyone else in SoCal has big boobs ...), and not like a lawyer (I should have sued the implant manufacturer to pay for law school ...).

 

Before I got married, I bought my fiance the book "Should You Marry a Lawyer?" just to make sure he was entering into this with full disclosure and informed consent. 

 

He agreed anyway.  (And without a prenup!  Is this fair, you ask??)

 

But now I'm truly reevaluating many of the traits that served me well as a litigator.  Was it truly necessary to yell at that customer service manager yesterday just to get a credit card fee reversed (because it was obviously not my fault), or could I have asked her nicely?  Do I have to get twenty things done right now, or could some of them easily wait until next week?  Can I ever admit that once in a while my husband might be right about something, and stop treating our arguments like depositions?  ("I'm not on the stand!" is his favorite comeback during most of our debates.)

 

And is it really helpful to sulk for a couple days and not blog simply because I didn't get a callback for The Apprentice ?  Or should I try to be just a little more resilient?

 

After all, if I'm ever going to make a real go at being a writer, rejection is just part of the game.

 

I could always try out for Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? 

 

What do you think?  (I appreciate your not feeding the Troll until my skin grows a little thicker!)

Do You Really Need a Life Coach? (Or Just A Life???)

Since my layoff last year, I've had a lot (not "alot") more time on my hands.  As a result, I've been spending a huge amount of time online surfing various social media sites.  And I've noticed a disturbing trend:

Everyone is a guru these days.

I get it -- I truly do. 

In my younger days, I too was a self employed "professional speaker" who passionately provided motivational talks and seminars to anyone who would listen.  While I still believe in the basic message of my talks (yes, we should "follow our dreams" and having a sense of purpose in life does go a very long way towards staying healthy), I also now realize that the drive to "help others" in such a public manner is often (always?) tainted with self interest and at least a touch of narcissism.

Nothing beats the rush of getting applause from thousands of people.

(Well, maybe getting paid money by millions of people would; my limited "gurudom" never extended that far and never paid that much.)

But here's my point.  Not that many people are truly ecstatic about their jobs, their finances, their bodies, their relationships ... most of us are just walking packages of insecurities waiting to be targeted by savvy personal development authors, internet gurus and "success" coaches.

We can always improve: strive more, work harder, become stronger, sexier, healthier, richer, more efficient, more effective, more talented, more beautiful, more fulfilled, more balanced, more organized, more evolved, more successful, MORE EVERYTHING (with the help of the right coach or seminar, that is). 

It's the American Way.

And as more and more of us are leaving corporate America (voluntarily, or not) many are deciding to give gurudom a run.

So we become consultants.

Speakers.

Authors.

Coaches.

Bloggers.

Don't get me wrong.  In many instances, self-employment becomes the only viable option, and some people truly do have original thoughts and wisdom that should be shared with others.  (I have personally benefited from the shared wisdom of many, many teachers whom I must gratefully thank for creating their work publicly.)

But ...

Do we really need to sign up NOW for the next amazing money-back-guaranteed life changing seminar from every new author/coach/consultant/guru?   (I've been personally invited to at least ten such events just today!)

Perhaps this is my cynical lawyer mind kicking in, but when you start researching the backgrounds of many of these online (or even well published) personalities, you quickly learn how dysfunctional many of their own lives were prior to (or even after) becoming gurus. 

Not to mention their ethics.  (Remember James Ray ?)

Perhaps my favorite movie of all times is Little Miss Sunshine because it so well illustrates both the sincere desire for fame and success of a would-be guru with nothing new to say, as well as the quiet desperation of his family members who keep striving to become "winners" despite obviously lacking the requisite talent or physical abilities to achieve their goals.  I won't spoil the movie if you haven't seen it, but Sinatra's line "Here's to the Losers, Bless Them All" would not be out of place (they are very lovable characters).

And maybe that's what we need more than another pep talk from another success guru -- just the people we love in our lives to offer comforting words (without charging for it):

You have enough.

You are enough.

Or in the words of my favorite poet:

Wild Geese 

You do not have to be good. 
You do not have to walk on your knees 
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. 
You only have to let the soft animal of your body 
love what it loves. 

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. 
Meanwhile the world goes on. 
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain 
are moving across the landscapes, 
over the prairies and the deep trees, 
the mountains and the rivers. 

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, 
are heading home again. 

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, 
the world offers itself to your imagination, 
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place 
in the family of things.

--  Mary Oliver 

*   *   *   *   *

What has your experience with gurus, coaches and/or personal development enthusiasts been?  Have any profoundly changed your life for the better?  Have you ever regretted money spent on such products?  Do you think the personal development industry needs better regulation?